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_{Hardcover, 221pp. ISBN: 0385490836
Yvan Lebrock (Photographer)Doubleday , Jan. 1998}

Love Without Boundaries, Preconceptions, and Myths

Daphne Rose Kingma, an experienced therapist and relationship expert, writes about the future of love as being love without boundaries, preconceptions and myths. She dismantles a lot of relationship assumptions, which will rub many readers the wrong way. It didn't alarm me or offend me, and she does offer some valuable insights into today's relationships.

I was surprised at how much criticism marriage and the nuclear family received from Kingma. She says that marriage comes from a "primal need for survival and of our social need to be gathered and protected." As a result, marriage "often suffocates the individual vivid soul." Yes, I know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. But does that make marriage a myth?

Marriage Model for the Next Millennium

She says, "relationships are always re-forming, changing, redefining themselves; work, circumstances, passage of time all profoundly affect our relationships. So do our emotions." I can't disagree with that, but why does that mean that marriage needs to be redefined?

Her new model for the next millennium in The Future of Love is based on her assumption that the new modes of relating that she describes represent opportunities for growth. She recommends that marriages not be saved, but rather "expanded." In the future, marriage won't die; it will be exhaulted because couples will be invited to make it a sanctified commitment to one another rather than a "socially sanctioned habit." I thought that was what most couples already do when they get married.

Seven Stages of Intimate Relationships

Kingma lists the seven stages that intimate relationships will experience: romance, commitment, crisis, ordeal, chaos, surrender and transformation (true love). These are explained very well and include personal examples and stories.

Relationship Qualities

Her chapter on ending a relationship with grace is very good. The four steps ranging from acknowledgement to completion aren't easy to carry out, but necessary for a healthy new beginning.

Another section I liked was on qualities that can and should be present in all kinds of relationships. These qualities are self-awareness, aliveness, realism, honesty, generosity, empathy, forgiveness, thanksgiving, consecration and joy.

The Future of Love can be helpful to those who are having self-doubts because of perceived failed relationships. It can be a guide for those seeking new relationships. It can be a communication tool for those in long term relationships. I believe she hit the nail on the head when she suggests that instead of reacting to something or someone, we should explore. Instead of judging others, we should be curious.