Gaining A New Lease On My Life, A New Beginning!
Six years ago I suffered a horrible loss. A loss that no woman should ever have to go through. It was at that time that I realized how easy it was to turn to alcohol, drugs or even food to numb the horrible pain that was felt. Thankfully I turned to the lesser of those evils -food. I went through all the emotions known to mankind and then some. Not everyone could handle the pain I was feeling and it was a time that I had felt so alone in the whole wide world. Something died inside of me - ME! Everything that I was, everything that I had identified myself through suddenly had no meaning to me. I started to lose my self-confidence. I didn't lose it all at once. No, it happened over time without me realizing it until one day I got up and realized that I felt like I didn't have the strength to go on. Things that use to bring me so much joy suddenly held no enjoyment for me. The things that I thought was necessary for my life lost its meaning. I was at a crossroads in my life and it did not feel good since I'm a perfectionist (leftover from my childhood), I love things being in their defined order or at least the defined order that I want things in my life to be in. Suffice to say I did not like not feeling in control of my life.
As much as it was a horrible time for me, it was a bitter-sweet experience, because what I was going through pushed me deeper within myself to find meaning and purpose in all that happened. There had to be some purpose for what I was going through otherwise it would all be for naught. That was one thing that I could grasp at, my propensity for finding meaning, purpose and reason for whatever was going on in my life, whether it was happening to me from the outside or happening within me. Thru all that pain I noticed that I was changing. Once again I don't like change even though I know change is inevitable. Change takes us out of our comfort zone and it pushes us to grow. Granted, for growth to take place I had to be a willing participant in my own rebirth. I also know that growth takes place on many levels, however sometimes I just want to bury my head under the covers and eat strawberry popsicles. But I also knew that I had to show up to my life everyday if I wanted things to be different.
Thankfully, I had the Spiritual tools that I had acquired through my many years of Spiritual study and growth. I now realized that I was being prepared for this difficult period in my life. The Divine Spirit knew something back then that I did not know. It knew that there is going to come a time when my physical Human Self would be severely tested. The Divine Spirit knew that there were areas in me that was buried deep into my subconscious that needed to be dislodged, break apart and release those emotional holds over my Human Self. And boy was that a trying time for me. I learned new things about me, I learned just how really strong I am and I realize that if I'm going through those challenges and difficulties I was being prepared to help others on a higher and deeper level. I still did not like what I was going through, but I learned to be patient with myself. I also realized that I needed support just like the support that I give others. I use to believe that I was not important, but others were more important than I was and so they needed the support. I felt that I would just get by. But my life had far more planned for me. My physical human meantime was a time of applying deep spiritual life cleansers to my mind, my heart and my soul. My life wanted me to live a passionate, happy and contented life filled with self-love.
Self-love that was something else that was at an all time low along with my self-confidence. Over the past six years I have had to relearn how to love myself through the pain. I had to learn that the loss that I had suffered does not define who I am as a woman and as a human being. Believe me it was hard. I had to take my life one day at a time. And when the day to day was not working, I had to go it one minute at a time. I had to go through that pain for my life to get my attention that something within me was not getting enough love and attention. It came in the form of the loss. That pain woke me up figuratively and literally. It made me realize that I was just coasting in my life and I was not living my life full-out. I was doing things I was passionate about, but I was not living passionately.
There are five stages of grief and I went through everyone as if I was on a roller-coaster ride. I oscillated between all of those stages sometimes all at once. I knew that I had to ride it out and let the pain have space to come up and out of me. Believe me when I say that that is an experience that I never want to experience ever again. But even if it does, I have now acquired more internal tools with which to handle things. Am I back to being 100% confident in myself? Not as yet, but I do feel myself regaining my inner strength and internal power. It is still a day to day or minute to minute Journey. But it does feel good stepping into my new self, a Self that I am getting to know. I feel as if I have gotten a new lease on life, a new opportunity to reach new heights in my life and in my personal Journey.
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As much as it was a horrible time for me, it was a bitter-sweet experience, because what I was going through pushed me deeper within myself to find meaning and purpose in all that happened. There had to be some purpose for what I was going through otherwise it would all be for naught. That was one thing that I could grasp at, my propensity for finding meaning, purpose and reason for whatever was going on in my life, whether it was happening to me from the outside or happening within me. Thru all that pain I noticed that I was changing. Once again I don't like change even though I know change is inevitable. Change takes us out of our comfort zone and it pushes us to grow. Granted, for growth to take place I had to be a willing participant in my own rebirth. I also know that growth takes place on many levels, however sometimes I just want to bury my head under the covers and eat strawberry popsicles. But I also knew that I had to show up to my life everyday if I wanted things to be different.
Thankfully, I had the Spiritual tools that I had acquired through my many years of Spiritual study and growth. I now realized that I was being prepared for this difficult period in my life. The Divine Spirit knew something back then that I did not know. It knew that there is going to come a time when my physical Human Self would be severely tested. The Divine Spirit knew that there were areas in me that was buried deep into my subconscious that needed to be dislodged, break apart and release those emotional holds over my Human Self. And boy was that a trying time for me. I learned new things about me, I learned just how really strong I am and I realize that if I'm going through those challenges and difficulties I was being prepared to help others on a higher and deeper level. I still did not like what I was going through, but I learned to be patient with myself. I also realized that I needed support just like the support that I give others. I use to believe that I was not important, but others were more important than I was and so they needed the support. I felt that I would just get by. But my life had far more planned for me. My physical human meantime was a time of applying deep spiritual life cleansers to my mind, my heart and my soul. My life wanted me to live a passionate, happy and contented life filled with self-love.
Self-love that was something else that was at an all time low along with my self-confidence. Over the past six years I have had to relearn how to love myself through the pain. I had to learn that the loss that I had suffered does not define who I am as a woman and as a human being. Believe me it was hard. I had to take my life one day at a time. And when the day to day was not working, I had to go it one minute at a time. I had to go through that pain for my life to get my attention that something within me was not getting enough love and attention. It came in the form of the loss. That pain woke me up figuratively and literally. It made me realize that I was just coasting in my life and I was not living my life full-out. I was doing things I was passionate about, but I was not living passionately.
There are five stages of grief and I went through everyone as if I was on a roller-coaster ride. I oscillated between all of those stages sometimes all at once. I knew that I had to ride it out and let the pain have space to come up and out of me. Believe me when I say that that is an experience that I never want to experience ever again. But even if it does, I have now acquired more internal tools with which to handle things. Am I back to being 100% confident in myself? Not as yet, but I do feel myself regaining my inner strength and internal power. It is still a day to day or minute to minute Journey. But it does feel good stepping into my new self, a Self that I am getting to know. I feel as if I have gotten a new lease on life, a new opportunity to reach new heights in my life and in my personal Journey.
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