What Do I Give, And When? As internet activity begins to mesh more seamlessly into our everyday lives, we start to take note, not only of the differences, but of the similarities that online pursuits share with their offline counterparts.
Offline and online dating, while very different in many ways to be sure, also share many of the same protocols.
Most of the same rules of etiquette still apply, even when your date is being conducted in cyberspace.
At the same time, online dating has given rise to many new conventions designed to help us adapt to the realities of conducting such intimate personal relationships in a virtual world.
It's no wonder, then, that most of us still have a few questions about what is, and is not, correct behavior when conducting, what we hope will become, a romantic online relationship.
We've written, and read, lots of articles on how to conduct yourself safely online, how to tailor your manners and your sense of humor so that you won't be misunderstood, and how present yourself in the best possible light, while still being honest with potential new online friends.
But, what about the etiquette of gift-giving in an online relationship? What are the rules? Are there any rules? Well, we haven't seen anyone address these questions, so we figured, "Why not us?" We're as unqualified as anyone! I Think We Like Each Other.
What Next? Once you've established a rapport with someone on the internet, and made the transition to an online 'courtship', to use an old-fashioned term, it's only natural that you feel a need to connect with this person in a more tangible way, with a token of your admiration.
But which token? How much should it cost? How personal should it be? Exchanging gifts, in a new relationship, is always an exercise in navigating choppy waters, online or not.
But with an online romance, you may feel as though you don't know the person well enough to shop for him or her, just because you haven't met face to face.
But here's what you need to keep in mind; you probably know this person much better than you think.
Much better, even, than someone you might have been seeing for the same period of time in the real world.
Why? Because all you do is talk.
Think about it.
You haven't been going to movies, or roller skating, or dancing, or any of the other things normal daters do that interfere with talking.
When all you can do together is talk, you have to get good at it.
In the absence of body language, typical context, and other nonverbal cues, you're forced pay attention.
You also have to carefully consider your own word choices for the sake of clarity, and to avoid being misunderstood.
Consequently, the two of you have spent your time together talking about almost anything that comes to mind.
Some trivial, some serious, some very personal.
It's much easier to express your deepest feelings, your hopes, dreams, ambitions, fears, and insecurities when you're not looking someone directly in the eye.
Now, the two of you may not have gotten so far as your deepest fears and insecurities, but you've almost certainly crossed the line into 'personal' and you probably know more about each other than most 'offline' couples who have been bowling and going to basketball games.
The Old Stalwarts, Flowers and Candy So, now's the time to use all that insight.
Giving the right gift can be the perfect bridge between the mutual acknowledgment of attraction, and that first face-to-face meeting.
The trick is to hit just the right note, to give something that shows just how much you've been paying attention.
For instance, you can never go wrong with flowers.
Almost everyone loves to get flowers, if their not allergic.
They're always the right size and, thanks to an explosion of online florists, they're convenient and inexpensive to send.
But, if during the course of your conversations, she's mentioned that she loves Gerbera daisies, and then you send roses, you've missed a huge opportunity.
Will she like the roses? Probably, but she would have been way more impressed that you remembered the daisies, and you could have saved a few bucks while looking like a great guy.
Chocolate is another perennial symbol of romance, and is rarely a mistake as a gift choice.
But, if you talked online about a mutual love of fudge, and you shared that there was this great fudge maker at a farmers market near your home, sending a box as a first gift would be just about perfect.
It's not just candy.
It's a real, tangible connection to you, and something you both like.
The key, early on, is not so much the 'what' but more the 'how' it fits into your relationship.
Can't Decide Between a New Car, and a See-Through Teddy? A couple of cautions to bring up here.
You want to give something that feels meaningful to the relationship, while not appearing cheap, but you also want to take care not to go overboard.
Starting small will keep tension to a minimum.
Being too extravagant, too soon, might creep out your new love interest.
This is especially true in an online relationship where the two parties have not met.
An expensive gift not only risks raising questions about your motives, but it also sets the bar high for the next time.
If you start out with diamond earrings, what do you follow that with? Fudge? Also, unless it's been clearly established that sex is definitely a part of your relationship, don't send gifts of a suggestive nature, especially at first.
Sexy lingerie, or a rhinestone jockstrap, may move you from a warm, fuzzy possibility to a disturbing potential stalker if the recipient wasn't prepared for it.
Again, stick with what's appropriate to the relationship as it currently stands.
The boundaries will, of course, change over time and you must stay attuned to these shifts.
Hey! Pay Attention! Like we said at the beginning, you've spent all this time talking.
Now, make it work for you.
Be alert for details that can help you in choosing a gift.
If you can do it without being obvious, you might even steer an occasional conversation onto a helpful topic.
But it will only be effective if you listen, and remember, and then use what you learn to make meaningful choices.
Choose a gift that demonstrates how attentive, and thoughtful, and sensitive you really are.
Like my uncle Rodney used to say, "Chicks dig that.
" The fact is, so do guys.
Everyone loves to feel special, and nothing reinforces that feeling like knowing someone has picked up on bits of conversation, and actually listened to your likes, dislikes, and needs, and then responded to those cues by selecting a really thoughtful, personal gift.
Sounds easy enough, huh? It is.
Are you listening?