I think of 2007 as the year of death.
That year, my daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law died, all in the span of nine months.
Ever since then I have been doing my grief work.
As you might imagine, the grief work associated with multiple losses takes longer than the grief work associated with one.
For me, the process has been like a journey to a foreign land.
I have seen beautiful things and awful things.
Alan Wolfelt, PhD writes about the mourning process in an article titled "Reconciliation," published on the Hospice of Siouxland website.
Many words are used to describe the final dimension of grief, Wolfelt says, words like resolution, recover, reestabilshment and reorganization.
But Wolfelt likes the word reconciliation best.
"Reconciliation is a term I believe to be more expressive of what occurs as the person works to integrate the new reality of moving forward with life," he explains.
Wolfelt lists 15 criteria for reconciliation.
One, the capacity to enjoy things that we used to enjoy, caught my attention because I am able to do this.
Another, seeing the personal growth that has come from grief, also caught my attention.
Multiple losses have changed me forever and many of the changes are good ones.
Bob Deits, MTh details the mourning process in his book, "Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss.
" Deits writes from a recovery approach and compares grief work to a crazy quilt.
Mourners have relapses, upheavals, and forward motion, according to Deits.
But if you continue to do your grief work "you will make it," he says.
"You will stand tall.
You will reach your destination.
" Hundreds of times I have asked myself, "What is my destination?" It is hard to see through the darkness of grief and you may have asked yourself the same question.
Though I have compared grief work to walking along the recovery road, I know I will never recover fully from multiple losses.
My goal is to live with them meaningfully and joyfully.
In her book, "The Courage to Grieve," Judy Tatelbaum uses the word "resolution" to describe the final grief work we must do.
'It is never too late to complete our grief," she writes.
Mourners may wonder how they will know when their grief work is finished.
Tatelbaum lists these signs of recovery, which I have paraphrased.
* You have accepted the reality of death.
* Your feelings of grief have dissipated.
* You think less about loss and grief.
* You have enjoyable memories of your loved one or ones.
* Your physical and emotional health have improved.
Looking back, I see I have been working towards grief resolution.
I prefer this word because of its definition, which includes the phrase "firmness of purpose.
" I love the synonyms too.
Resolve, Determination.
Perseverance.
Tenacity.
These synonyms are empowering words, at least, they have empowered me.
Have I resolved my grief? No, but I am coming close.
Just as Tatelbaum described, my feelings of grief are dissipating.
I think more about the future than the past.
Several friends have told me how much better I look.
In fact, one said I was "in really good condition.
" Most important, I am slowly and patiently weaving the threads of my loved ones' lives into my life.
Aand that makes me glad.
Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson